Therapist: How are you? Therapist: How are you? Therapist : How are you?
Client 1: good Client 2: fine Client 3: ok
I have noticed this trend in my work as a psychotherapist. Often times, clients will automatically respond with minimal, one word answers to questions designed to prompt emotional responses. They do this without even thinking about it; that is how deeply ingrained our defense mechanisms against emotions can be. The answer comes before there is any real thought if this feeling of good or fine is real. How often do you simply answer a question in order to move the conversation along…to provide someone with the “expected answer” while avoiding the real truth. For most of us, we were taught to keep or suppress our feelings and our truth. Some of us have had such traumatic experiences that we turned our emotions off, as a defense against the pain, when really we were just giving in to the fear of the pain. Here’s the thing: feeling the emotions won’t kill us…but habitually suppressing them very well could. Some of us develop physical ailments, others turn to drugs and alcohol, but whatever method we’ve used to avoid emotions - at some point - stops working. So what are we left to do? We change the way engage with our emotions.
We start by acknowledging the implications of our emotions on our daily lives. Emotions are powerful. Emotions are natural. Emotions are significant. Emotions are the precipitating factor to many of our (re)actions. Emotions are energy, and when they are not expressed in a healthy way, they build upon one another until we can no longer contain them, and then they spill out in unhealthy and damaging ways. These may look different for each individual, but the common theme is usually some kind of negative consequence…which causes more pain. The very thing we were trying to avoid in the first place.
So how do we change the narrative? How do we start to to give our feelings/emotions the respect and acknowledgment they deserve? How do we, both individually and collectively, start a new dialogue about emotions. How do we being to recognize that the old way no longer works for us?
In my mind, the answer is simple. It comes down to action. Today, instead of giving the quick response when asked how I am doing, I pause, take a minute and check in with myself. Then I speak my truth. I do the uncomfortable thing. I take the risk and talk about how I feel with people in my life. I being to change the pattern. I have to be willing to experience some discomfort as my mind and body adjust to a new way of acting/feeling/thinking/being.
So, ask yourself: Are you willing to open up? Are you willing to start talking about what is really going on with you? Are you willing to learn and practice? The constructive expression of emotions is not a skill that manifests overnight. Just learning how to articulate what we feel is hard. Knowing the difference between anger and hurt is hard. This is a challenge, and a journey, but it works. Expressing my feelings and talking about them with other individuals has made me feel better. Not just in the short term, but i have felt better longer and with more consistency. It works. As I learn more and continue the work on myself, I realize more and more the significance of my feelings and the art of communicating them in my life.
I urge you to start the conversation. Express the emotion. Tell us…how are you doing?
Daniel Rubin, M.S. LPC, LMHC